As parents it is natural that we wish to make that journey to womanhood as smooth and painless as possible. But are we doing them any favours when our desire to protect our children may result in them never experiencing disappointment or even failure in their young lives? This could possibly result in them having to deal with far harsher realities when they are older with no previous experience in dealing with letdowns? Sometimes they need to suffer the consequences of handing in an assignment late or forgetting their sports uniform, without mum or dad rushing to the rescue.
We need to be there on the sidelines ready to pick them up and dust them off when they fall, then point them in the right direction and cheer them on as they go. As tempting as it is, we cannot do the journey for them or even carry their load. Louise Porter, renowned Australian Child Psychologist, puts it well when she advises parents, ‘don’t just do something, stand there’. Judith Locke echoed this idea in her book, The Bonsai Child.
This skill that we are teaching our students is called resilience. The definition of resilience according to the Oxford dictionary “is the ability of people or things to feel better quickly after something unpleasant, such as shock, injury, etc”. Students need to learn this very important life skill that helps a person to withstand the negative effects of adversity. The more that we can build this skill up now, in the safe environment that is St Margaret’s, the better for our girls.
Kirstie Maclean, summarises some of the qualities associated with resilience which develop through children’s life experiences as follows:
Good self esteem derives from being accepted by people whose relationship one values and from accomplishment in tasks one values. Praise, on its own, will not improve self-esteem; the child has also to ascribe value to the achievement.
A belief in one’s own self-efficacy means having the qualities of optimism, ‘stickability’ and believing that one’s own efforts can make a difference.
Initiative is the ability and willingness to take action. Children and young people facing adversity are in a stronger position to deal with it if they are able to take the initiative in finding ‘creative’ responses.
Faith and morality can help the child to persist in problem solving or in surviving a set of challenging life circumstances.
Autonomy means the ability to make decisions. Young people who are autonomous know that it is OK to make mistakes and that you can learn from mistakes. They take reasonably well calculated risks. Autonomous children and young people are good at self-regulation — they gain increasing control over their own emotions and behaviour.
Young people who have good insight into their own difficulties, including a realistic assessment of their own contribution and the contribution of others to those difficulties, are more likely to be resilient. Young people who are able to recognise benefits, as well as negative effects, from severe adversity are likely to be resilient. Insight helps people to take appropriate actions and make appropriate choices.
Nikki Townsend
Reference:
Maclean,K. Resilience: What it is and how children and young people can be helped to develop it. Cyc-online, Issue 62 March 2004. http://www.cyc-net.org.